Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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