i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
