You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
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