I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
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