Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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