remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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