Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
We need to feng shui this bitch.
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