you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
