So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
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