I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
