Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
