Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
