I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
