What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Randomize
