the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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