When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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