My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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