haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
