Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
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