I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
