he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
