Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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