I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
