Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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