Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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