He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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