there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
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