idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
