Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
