Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
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