When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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