OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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