"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
