A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
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