90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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