Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
