my being single is dangerous.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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