I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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