in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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