Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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