you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
