she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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