Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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