last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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