Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Randomize
