are you still at the devil's house?
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
