my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
