My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Randomize
