So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
