Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Randomize
