did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Mom said you looked used
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
