Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Randomize
