I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I understand Curling. That high.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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