This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
