Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
